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Come Die With Me – Death Wish Down Under

[S4E14] Three time travellers compete in history's deadliest game show - who can perish fastest and most stylishly in a brutal Australian penal colony?

Author

Ryanardo
May 19, 2025

Port Jackson penal colony, Australia 1800 CE

Fresh off the boat: our PastMaster contestants

In this episode we decide not to try and survive and thrive. Instead we take a deliciously dark turn where the goal is quite the opposite. Set in the harsh reality of Britain's first Australian penal colony at Port Jackson (modern-day Sydney) in 1788, our hosts, Tan and myself, plus our guest Nick Horseman, compete in a "death wish speed run" to see who can meet their maker in the fastest and most stylish way possible.

With the newly established colony as their arena and DeepSeek AI serving as an surprisingly sassy game master, our time travellers must navigate brutal guards, harsh punishments, and Australia's infamous wildlife in their quest for the ultimate fail. In this game, failure is the sweetest success.

Mission parameters

  • Die as quickly as possible while maximizing style points

  • Start as newly arrived convicts in chains

  • Limited starting inventory (basically nothing but the clothes on your back)

  • Extra points awarded for creative use of colonial Australia's many deadly elements

Colony guard's report

Recovered from Port Jackson Archives, dated January 1788

INCIDENT REPORT

Re: Recent Troublemakers
To: Colony Governor
From: Head Guard James Weatherby

Sir,

I regret to inform you of three particularly disturbing incidents involving new arrivals from today's transport. In my 15 years of service, I have never witnessed such determined efforts at self-destruction.

Of particular note was the incident involving the prisoner who attempted to create what he called a "mouth menagerie" of local fauna. The resulting chaos in your quarters will require significant cleaning and possibly an exorcism.

I recommend these events be stricken from official records to prevent copycat attempts.

Respectfully yours,

J. Weatherby

[Document appears to have suspicious teeth marks and spider legs pressed into the parchment]

Spoons: deadly

Episode summary

In this unique challenge, our time travellers arrive at Port Jackson as convicts in Britain's first Australian penal colony. Instead of trying to survive the harsh conditions, they compete to see who can exit this mortal coil in the most entertaining way possible. From rusty spoon attacks to bizarre biological warfare, each contestant brings their own creative approach to this macabre competition.

Key moments

[00:00:39] - Ryan introduces the "death wish speed run" concept

[00:04:27] - Nick attempts the direct approach with a rusty spoon

[00:15:24] - Tan revolutionises the art of mouth-based biological warfare

[00:24:09] - Ryan discovers why you shouldn't promote communism while eating lice

Historical context

Port Jackson, established in 1788 with the arrival of the First Fleet, marked Britain's first attempt at creating a penal colony in Australia. The settlement served the dual purpose of relieving overcrowded British prisons and establishing a strategic presence in the Pacific.

Life for convicts was brutal, with harsh punishments including flogging with the notorious cat o' nine tails. Guards maintained strict control through a system of physical punishment and psychological intimidation. What many don't realise is that early colonial authorities actually had to establish specific rules about convicts putting venomous creatures in their mouths - a surprisingly common problem in those early days (according to this episode of PastMaster at least).

Mouth snakes: alarming

Listen now

Ready to hear who claims the crown for fastest, most stylish demise in colonial Australia? Tune in to this special episode of Past Master and discover why sometimes losing the game is the most entertaining way to win.